I’m living the dream!!! Don’t wake me up!!….??
I’ve always felt that having a job I apparently enjoyed, in an industry I apparently enjoyed, would provide a stable and content quality of life. And for a few decades, I felt I was enjoying my career. I know I enjoyed working with the people in the company.
I can’t say anything negative about the people I worked with – many were like family. And we supported each other as such in some ways…
After ten years with a international software/data company, that provided a great work life balance, and co-workers you were honestly happy to see each day……(most of the time… 😉 this sensation of stable contentment began to dissolve.. or more accurately – eroded rapidly…
It’s a real bottom bounce when you realize you don’t enjoy your job, and the stability is not maintaining contentment. You feel this chill at your core – or even choke up a bit. Quietly gasping as if you’re hearing your first-love telling you her family is moving to Australia… Not a sense of betrayal. Just the sense of loss, or deep remorse for inaction..??
All I know is at that moment I felt nothing towards my job. With a the internal question, ‘why am I doing this?’…
I’d known for a long time I wanted to do more within the engineering realm, but the company I worked for didn’t support open work environments. The organization maintained hard silo’s between teams and departments. Using software applications to support all processes.
Even though I realized I needed consider a new job, or maybe starting a business on my own. I still continued to work for the company.
Staying employed is usually a better decision than making that impulsive jump from a job, and with out a parachute… 😉
Because this new personal realization caused some issues with my attitude, in general. As well as brought out anxiety, transference, depression… well, a nice little buffet of human behaviors….that I did’t select…
I started to acknwledge my personal quandary as more of a self-lie. Which is hard to accept. Lying? To myself?
Then the misleading of me, stopped; ‘Oh, denial is lying to self. Duh Dude!’ [Cartoon visual of hitting self with frying pan]..
Here I am, in my 50’s and I’m just now recognizing my own hypocrisies , and some of the past moments where the denial lead me to where I am today.
Being the kind of person to over-analyze life and the observations I’ve made during my own. It was very enlightening to realize I’d been lying to myself for over 45 years.
Well, not outright lying. But actually the internal, or subconscious reiteration of incorrect, invalid, inaccurate, and inconclusive judgments apparently made by others, towards myself…
[To be continued..]
I’ll cont. after I get my thoughts together. This is a bit emotional to talk about – so typing it out provides it’s own level of ‘suckiness’… =]